i said eddy stopped our hearts from breaking too far when we lost someone special. this is him.
there’s a boy i’ve known since i was 6. and loved ever since i knew nothing other than him being there.
a funny, brave and handsome boy. with blonde hair and the most goofball smile. for a while that smile was lopsided i remember. and he picked up condoms in boots and asked me what they were i remember. i remember.
6 years is strange gap in age for a while. one a wild teenager one just a child. but for a long time. for most time. that gap is nothing at all. kids. what a kid. then all of a sudden. we’re adults. on different paths living different lives. but there. and this boy.. what a man.
family called him the milky bar kid. he was awesome. awesome defined. and he knew it.
and he died.
you grow up and you love someone and they are there and you love them. in the background you love them and you’ve known nothing else. and you grow apart a while and you love them. and you don’t talk a while and you love them. and you love them. and then they are gone but you love them. and you love them and you love them and you live your life loving them.
.. and i love you. you are awesome. and you were fearless and you made me feel proud and excited and inspired all the time. and i said all the time we should be more like you.
we should be more like adam.
i miss you in the background of our life. i love being your aunty. and I’m heartbroken for you. for yours. for your nearest. your closest. your best. for everyone.
but you lived it so well adaman. we should all be more like you.
and months pass just like that. (and now almost eleven) and i started this at nine. and months pass just like that..
it’s hard to believe we found out about eddy so long ago. and harder to believe the time he’s been here. and hard to believe how much life has changed. and hard to believe how much it hasn’t.
they say life will never be the same.
and it won’t.
and it isn’t.
but it is almost too.
there’s still me and john and hank. us. but with a boy. a bonus boy. who comes along with us wherever we go. and falls asleep on the sofa just like the rest of us. with us. like us.
he’s so like us.
we sleep we walk we eat we talk.
we lie down a lot.
the first few months were magic. quiet, relaxed, tired hazy magic. then 6 months marked and things went wilder. faster. louder. chat and food and banging and laughs. arms in the air and rubbing together feet. he was strong all along the boy. standing and grabbing and moving and pushing. up always up. he wanted to be up. up on his feet from so early on and then doing it himself from the cot from my knees. thunder in his thighs and bags in his eyes. like his papa in the legs and the bags just like me. sorry son.
you worry you’ll forget. all the magic.
dancing in the bedroom to billie holiday to sleep. thick dark hair all tufts and gold crinkle tips. falling out and coming back so fair.
he’s so blonde now.
lying on bed eddy in my arms and hank at my feet. all the so many days dancing in the kitchen in big t-shirts and just pants.
the big kitchen life at its most very best.
things are a juggle. work walk the dog cook breakfast lunch dinner. simple things made a giant-baby bit harder. visit this friend that one. make sure the boy knows our life. let’s go here. that restaurant. fuck, the washing. the family want to come over. walk the dog.
start something never finish it.
days broken up into short too quick segments before eddy gets bored hungry tired and we have to stop.
before he’s being cute funny great and we have to stop.
because we want to. to stop. to just stop what we’re doing and laze. all the time. he makes us go slow. everything disorganised but you have to be organised. yet we like it.
i like that sometimes most times things can’t get done. i like that he means we have to just not. i like that the dishes pile high with no one to blame. and we order takeaways lets not lie it’s great.
we don’t have the gadgets the piles of toys. we don’t have set bed time or bath days or naps. what routine we have is ours. is his. and it’s easier. for us at the moment anyway. we talk about how it could bite us in the ass. him fitting in to our day not us to his. and now with this age its starting to change. but he’s healthy and happy and he suits our way. he’s growing and learning and laughing and so clever.
and it’s magic.
and it’s a juggle.
and it’s so fun.
and WE’RE TIRED.
we’re tired but he crawls like he’s been shot in the leg and we love it. and he plays the ukulele and the harmonica and he drums. badly but he does it so well. always noise. and we laugh. a lot. and take photos of nothing else. which is so silly but true. a camera full of a man dog and boy.
the big three.
the summer was hot. his first summer so lucky. and he stopped our hearts breaking too far when we lost someone special. thanks big guy.
and he has 6 teeth and the most goofball smile. his arms are still croissants. but longer. he’s tall. cartoon eyebrows still cartoons. please stay that way forever.
and he waits for ‘gazuntight’ after every sneeze and laughs. he laughs and he screams and he’s into everything and more. he wanted to shake things. that was a great phase. and everything small must be touched with one finger. and he hates the blender. hand dryers. baby change rooms were a horror for a while but it’s over. he’s obsessed with the toilet. in it every chance. and shaking the oven. that’s new. and he loves to eat man he loves to eat. we go out to restaurants. for coffee. for beer. but even since i started this things have changed even more. there’s more always more. everyday something else. more magic. more laughs. but not more sleep. not more sleep. i look forward to that.
there’s too much to say.
you worry you’ll forget all the magic.
but it’s right here.
and we’re tired.
this love is wild.
this store in brighton is a fucking dream. i could spend all the monies in here on every perfectly curated piece that sits dreamily alongside each other in perfect cohabitation. a place to discover brands you maybe haven’t heard of before. and definitely get inspired to shop less to shop better.
they say “Stocking the latest emerging and contemporary designers … our aim is to provide an edited collection of clothing, footwear, bags & accessories for modern men and women”
+ they do. so well.
limited runs of 100% cotton woven blankets created in collaboration with handpicked artists and illustrators from around the world. the aim is to celebrate individuality + artistry by making small batches of super functional, versatile yet beautiful + unique pieces available to us A L L by the generous means of FREE WORLDWIDE SHIPPING.
unreal. so good. let’s all buy blankets. shop here. you’re welcome.
read into each pattern + design on the slowdown studio website from makers such as fun fun colour mad print illustrators – french duo A T E L I E R B I N G O .. heads up > instagram fodder at it’s colourful splashy best.
long may it last this era of creative bonhomie in life business + art.
if i could be a fashion brand and when i say be i mean live in the lookbooks and perfectly embody ‘the girl’ the founder imagines when designing her lines – it would be S T O N E D I M M A C U L A T E.
created in LA and both a selection of found vintage and it’s own original label, the collections are a perfect curation of retro inspired t-shirts, fine knit jumpers in mustard and stripes, denims, deep vs and flares both bottoms and sleeves, inspired by the hazy days of californias golden era.
EVERYTHING. I. LOVE.
being january and all; shopping + shipping is unpardonable. so adding to ‘the things to shop for next time we pop to america’ wishlist and sharing favourites from the dreamy film-still like lookbooks here is about all i can do.
FOR NOW. FOR NOW JOHN.
“Out here in the perimeter there are no stars. Out here we is stoned. Immaculate.” Jim Morrison
we have a huge hallway. it’s long. and one sided. all the rooms on the left. big long wall on the right. a bare grubby stretch of nothing wall with holes.
cue hashtag thehugehallwaylife.
right now the proverbial spare room of the home – the only space in our one bedroom tenement flat for the things you don’t really want in your main-room rooms. the broken sofa you keep for the day you own a spare room again… the much too huge make your own beer kit yet to be used. the steam cleaner. the broken coat stand. hanks never used bed. the list goes on. and on. and shoes. and on.
since we first saw this dream-big-kitchen-house i’ve had big plans for the big hall.
high high-up shelves along the full stretch of the freshly painted deholed long wall for good-looking grown up storage boxes and droopy long-armed plants. really lovely nice hooks by the door for a select few -just a few- really lovely nice coats + hats. a low +wide corner shelving unit of lamps and books and plants and lamps. art on the walls. incense burning. sheepskins on bench. a wicker lamp shade above. only danish clogs by the door. hank will drape casually on his dusen dusen bed and never leave puddles of drool on the beautiful huge kilim rug. ETC.
you know. just a dream hallway. no biggie.
so thats coming next.
but first – still – #thepeacefulbohobathroomlife.
and the kitchen pantry.
and broken door handles.